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Drunken Idiot Tries to Ride Crocodile, Fails

Australian Man Rides Alligator

Getting cross-eyed drunk in in an unfamiliar place and then trying to find a suitable designated driver can be a painstaking task. No matter how tough it gets, though, you must always remember the golden rule: A man-eating crocodile will not drive you home. Against our best advice, that’s exactly what this Australian tourist tried to make happen. After getting a little too rowdy for the locals down at the pub, Michael Newman was thrown out of the bar and left to fend for himself. Newman had apparently had one too many shots of black market kangaroo tequila, because instead of finding someone to give him a ride, he enlisted the services of a 1,800 pound, deadly crocodile.

According to reports from the BBC, Newman scaled the fence of the Broome Crocodile Park and proceeded to try to ride a ferocious crocodile named Fatso. Rather than give Newman a ride back to the hotel, Fatso unleashed a vicious kill-ritual on Newman’s leg. Sometimes you’re just not in the mood, you know? Fortunately, the crocodile was a bit sluggish due to the cold weather, which allowed Newman to escape with all limbs intact, and crawl his way back to the pub for help.

Park owner Malcolm Douglas says that Newman is lucky to be alive — Fatso has the capacity to fatally crush a man with only one bite. “If it had been warmer and Fatso was more alert, we would have been dealing with a fatality,” he said.

Incidentally, patrons of the local pub say that Newman gives a whole new meaning to the word “crocked.”

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